What roles might my parents play in my child's life?

There are many different roles your parents might play.  

An effective grandparent might be altruistic, nurturing and put the needs of family members ahead of their own. They may be full of vitality, bring a sense of wonder to their grandchild's life, be warm, be easy to talk to, or be patient and careful listeners. If they value a close family, they will make themselves available and be a support to their children and grandchildren. 

Parents and grandparents should talk about the role the grandparents will play. And, while it is important for the grandparents to respect the parent's wishes, parents need to allow the grandparents to create their own identity. The two most important gifts they can give are love and time. How they do it is their decision.

Life's Gifts

Of the most important ethics or values that grandparents would like to pass on to their grandchildren:

42% said morals and integrity

21% said success or ambition

20% mentioned religion

14% said consideration

10% said to be reasonable

Family History Projects for You and Your Grandchildren

The following projects are perfect starting points for  passing on your history and having fun with your grandchildren. In fact, the AARP suggests getting the grandchildren to help "so they can learn and start to connect the past and present."

Picture Perfect

Help grandchildren identify with the family history by gathering and preserving photos and old records. Ask relatives for originals they have that you can copy. Learn who is in the picture and any interesting stories about them. Arrange all your collected memorabilia in a scrapbook. Write down the details of the picture and how it connects to other information you have about your family such as diaries, letters, and interviews.

Home Truths

Take the children to visit homes and towns where previous generations have lived. A home is evidence of your history, as well as an expression of the people who lived in it. It also reveals trends in architecture and construction. Fixtures and landscaping are tied up with taste and technologies. Also, a home might offer clues about births, jobs, and the local economy.

Talk about it

Pass on stories of your family's past by emphasizing funny adventures highlighting similarities to or differences from your child's experience. Gather these stories by interviewing your relatives and writing down their answers or recording them on tape. Conduct the interviews with care, and you'll end up with a coherent oral history rather than random reminiscences. The tapes also will preserve something fragile and precious - your narrator's voices, how they express themselves, and a sense of who they are.

Road Trip

Take your family on a vacation to places that are significant in your family history. This will bring those places to life for the children. 

Hand-me-downs

Keep a journal. Write what you think and feel, see, read, and hear about; weddings, jobs, scandals, news, politics, parades, etc. Relax. Start small. Keep it fun. Years from now, you will have a document that will fascinate your descendants.

Family Video

1. Describe where your family lived. What did you like best about it. How did it look? What color was your room? With whom did you share it?

2. Discuss ethnic heritage and customs. Talk about religion - discuss what traditions and practices are most important to you.

3. Describe historical events during your lifetime - wars, past presidents, etc.

4. Where did you go to school? Take a trip to the building, if possible. Talk about best friends and teachers, favorite classes, sports played, and other activities and highlights of these years.

5. Did you go to college, serve in the military, or go to technical school? What did you study? What were the highlights of those years?

6. Share pictures from your childhood. Describe or visit old houses and neighborhoods. Talk about neighbors and places you used to visit. 

7. What kinds of friends have you had in your life? Discuss what qualities made these people special. Arrange to meet them, if possible.

8. Tell the tale of your relationship with your spouse. Where did you meet? When did you get married? Where? What was the wedding like? Why do you love your partner?

9. Talk about work - the jobs you've had over the years. Talk about the challenges you have faced, the rewards you've received. If possible, visit a place of current or past employment. 

10. Pass on life lessons. Share hopes, philosophies, disappointments, and advice. 

Dads today are more involved in their children's development than ever before. From the changing table to the side of the bathtub to the grocery store, dads are playing an active role. 

Dads can...

Get a child dressed - Be in charge of helping a child get ready for the day. Create a unique routine, one that's different from mom's routine. 

Read up - Whether the father of an infant, a toddler, or a preschooler, make an effort to learn about a child's age and stage of development. Read up on how to change a diaper, how to prepare a nursery, how to handle a tantrum, and what toys to use to help a child learn and grow. Read also about the role a dad can play. 

Read to their children - Carve out a time slot for father time, be it every day or every Saturday, when a child knows he can sit down with his dad and listen to stories. Dads can take special field trips to the library or bookstores to let a child look at book selections to get a good understanding of what the child likes to read. 

Make a weekend morning a dad's morning - Declare Saturday or Sunday mornings father time. Learn the morning routine well enough to get a child out of bed, dressed, and fed without the help of mom, and go somewhere fun. Or go out to breakfast, just with dad. This is the time both a child and mother will look forward to.

Get comfortable in the grocery store - Make a concerted effort to learn the food and supplies that kids need and offer to go to the store and get them. Take a list along and ask the children to help find the things throughout the store.

Help tackle sleep issues - Whether dealing with an infant who's yet to sleep through the night or a toddler who's having nightmares, take turns with mom getting out of bed when issues arise in the middle of the night. It's tiring but also a great opportunity to comfort and connect with a child.

Spend time at home especially when caring for a newborn - The first few weeks and months of a baby's life are the most crucial for family bonding and making connections with caregivers. Accumulate vacation time before the baby is born to use after her birth, investigate the possibility of taking paternity leave and try to arrange to work from home several days a week if possible.

Get involved with the child's caregivers - Talk to the babysitter, nanny, or child care teachers. Dads who get to know the people who care for their child learn more about their child - his behavior, moods, activities, etc. - on a daily basis. From simple questions - How much did my baby eat? How long did he nap? What did he play with? - dads can keep connected. 

Additional Tips for Toddlers

Dads can...

Take a child to school - Taking a child to school, whether on foot or by car, is a great way to spend high-quality time together on a steady basis. It gives dads a chance to talk to the child and the school teacher as well.

Serve breakfast - Scrambled eggs, French toast, chocolate chip pancakes...come up with a few favorite foods and make it part of dad's special menu. A child can help dad prepare it.

Take a toddler to work - Nothing makes a toddler feel special as much as having his own time with his dad at work. Choose a quiet time to show your child around and make him feel important.

How important is the parent-child relationship?

Building a healthy relationship through sensitive and responsive care - with an emotional investment - allows your child to feel safe and secure, provides him with a solid base for exploration and allows him to communicate his feelings.

Venturing Out

• MOBILIZING - Characterized by their new ability to walk on their own, toddlers are consumed with exploring. 
• LEARNING TO SEPARATE - A toddler's new ability to walk, however, is challenged by his dependence on his parents and the feeling of safety he gets from keeping them close. Balancing the need to become independent and returning to the safety of home base is a challenge both for toddlers and for their parents. 
• OVERFLOWING WITH NEWNESS - A toddler can be overwhelmed by all the developments associated with his new discoveries and developing sense of self. And, his new awareness of language and feelings can lead to new fears - mistaking parents' disapproval, for example, with a loss of love.
• DISCOVERING HIS BODY - A toddler's new repertoire also includes learning about gender controlling bodily functions.

How Does attachment progress?

In the first three years of life, experts believe that there are clearly defined shifts in the way that children understand themselves and create relationships with people and their environment. Each shift coincides with a leap in physical and emotional development. Experts point to a variety of interactions that form the basis of early relationships; they include feeding, playing, talking and bedtime routines. Through the progression of attachment shown here, you and your child will form a trusting relationship, and your child will be allowed to move from dependence to self-assertion, confidence and the ability to function independently in her world.

Birth to 2 Months

Your Child is...

• Concentrating on adapting to her new environment -she learns to regulate her eating and sleeping patterns.
• Communicating through crying yawning and postures - your child teaches her parents how to care for her. 

You Are...

• Learning to understand your baby's signals and to respond appropriately.
• Feeding your child when she is hungry, burping her when she has gas, comforting her when she is fussing, changing her when she it wet, keeping her safe and secure.

What's happening with the parent-child relationship?

• By two months, your child can engage and disengage you with her cries and glances. 
• Your baby has developed her first relationship.
• She let you know her needs and you respond to them.

2 Months to 6 Months

Your child is...

• More alert - he smiles, makes eye contact and deliberate sounds.
• Showing excitement and can avert his glaze when the excitement is too high.
• Using verbal and non-verbal cues to signal his needs.

You are...

• Responding to your child's needs, playing games and interacting.
• Becoming more attuned to his emotional signals and coping behaviors.
• Differentiating between cries and knowing if your child is hungry or in pain. 

What's happening with the parent-child relationship?

• You and your child are falling in love - through a process where he often initiates interactions and you try to understand his signals and needs.
• There are times when you will not "read" your child correctly. This is OK. Your baby is beginning to develop coping strategies. 

6 Months to 12-15 Months

Your child is...

• Sitting up and crawling-she can move away from and towards you.
• Developing object permanence - she can find a hidden toy and knows that you exist even when she cant see you.
• Showing growing attachment to her primary caregiver with displeasure when she leaves, and relief and pleasure when she returns. 

You are...

• Providing a safe and loving environment that she can explore.
• Comforting her when she is stressed. 

What's happening with the parent-child relationship?

•  A meaningful relationship has formed between you and your child. Your child knows what to expect from you based on prior experiences. She also begins to become aware of her own behaviors and abilities.
• Your child often looks to her primary caregiver, usually her mother, for a sense of safety and security. She uses this person as a secure base, a trusted figure who provides comfort and love. 
• Armed with trust and the confidence of a secure base, your child can explore her world and risk the bumps she encounters along the way. 

12-15 Months to 36 Months

Your child is...

Learning to walk. He is curious and actively explores his world. Capable of symbolic thought or pretend play. 

You are...

Emotionally available to your child. Setting limits and allowing your child to explore his world, his autonomy and his emotions.

What's happening with the parent-child relationship?

• Although excited by his exploration and autonomy, your toddler will also become overwhelmed and scared and will need to rely on you for comfort - he will often move away, but then will come back to the safety of being with you.
• Tantrums and power struggles may ensue as your toddler learns to use his own will.
• As you set limits and demonstrate that you will continue to love and care for you child, he will learn self-control and understand that he can "fall apart" and still survive and be loved.

Action Items: Tips for easing separation anxiety

1. Say Goodbye. Waving bye-bye to your toddler is something you should not avoid doing. At first, this may maker her cry, but, if you just disappear, and she thinks you might leave her at any time, she will cry and cling to you constantly. 
2. Prepare your child. Talk to your child about what is going to happen to help him think ahead. You may think that he does not grasp what you are saying, but he understands much more than he can actually say. 
3. Be optimistic. Do not let your apprehensions show when you are leaving your child. Show optimism by saying, "I think you are going to have a wonderful time playing with the other children today!"
4. Provide a comfort object. At first, when the anxiety is the strongest, you may want to allow your child to keep an object that will make her feel close to you. Examples: a stuffed animal or a pillow from her bed. 
5. Help label his emotions. Even though is will be some time before your child starts to understand his emotions, you can label what he is feeling. When you are walking out the door and your screams for you not to leave, explain that what he is feeling is "missing you" you. Also, add that you have the same feeling, and you understand. 
6. Take things slowly. when you are getting ready to go back to work after being with your child at home, it is a good idea to have a transition time with the new caregiver, your child and yourself. This gives everyone an opportunity to get acquainted and become comfortable with the new situation. 
7. Arrange same-time departures. To make saying goodbye easier, try having your child exit first. When you drop her off at the nursery, have the caregiver take her outside to play. Be sure to wave bye-bye to her as she is leaving you. 
8. Employ favorite pastimes. You might also like to have you child care provider involve your child in favorite pastime. He may get upset when she sees you are leaving; however, it will be much easier for him to get re-involved in something he is already working on. 
9. Help her learn to deal with separation. Eventually your child will learn how to cope and understand that she must be separated from you sometimes. This may take some time, but she must learn this important developmental task. She will use it for the rest of her life. 

What are the stages of sleep?

While sleeping, both adults and children pass through 4 stages and REM (Rapid Eye Movement) - in repeating cycles throughout the night. 

Sleep is a dynamic activity... 

The five stages of sleep progress in a cycle from stage 1 to REM sleep, then the cycle starts over. 

Stage 1 is known as the lightest stage of sleep. The body starts slowing down and it's easy to drift in and out of actual sleep. It's also the easiest to come out of when awakened.

Stage 2 Brain waves continue to slow down.

Stage 3 Both slow brain waves (delta waves) and faster, smaller ones appear during this stage. 

Stage 4 Mostly made of slow brain waves (delta waves). The entire body is deeply relaxed. This is the hardest stage from which to wake.

• Growth hormones are released during deep sleep. Cells also increase production and protein breakdown decreases during these two stages.
• REM sleep is known for irregular and rapid breathing, constant eye movement and temporary paralysis of muscles. There is an increase in blood pressure and heart rate. 
• REM sleep lasts longest at night. During naps, REM lasts longer during morning naps than those in the afternoon. 
• REM sleep may play an important role in brain development. Therefore, the more REM sleep your child gets, the better. As your baby grows and her brain develops, gradually less time is spent in REM sleep, with most of it occurring at night and during the morning nap.

The brain is always active.

Since the 1950s, we've learned that our brains are very active during sleep. Neurotransmitters, or nerve-signaling chemicals in our brains, control whether we are asleep or awake. Neurons, which connect the brain to the spinal cord, produce other neurotransmitters which keep some parts of the brain active during sleep and while awake. 

What are dreams?

Infant REM sleep was first studied in 1953. However, scientists still do not fully understand the need for and purpose of dreams. Sigmund Freud believed that dreams are a part of a human's unconscious desires. 

Dreaming occurs during REM sleep where signals start at the pons and travel to the thalamus, and from there to cerebral cortex, the area of the brain where learning, organizing and thinking take place. 

The pons also sends signals to shut off neurons in the spinal cord. This shuts off the limb muscles, and stalls movement desires. 

REM sleep stimulates the cerebral cortex, which helps the brain develop learning ability. Scientists believe that's why infants spend 50% of their time in REM sleep.

ACTION ITEMS: The ABC's of catching ZZZZZZs

What's the best way to help your child develop good sleep habits? There are many expert views about what role parents should play when it comes to helping their children develop good sleep habits. Ultimately, the choice is yours. If you like an approach that:

1. Is lenient about responding to your baby when he cries during the night and emphasizes consistent bedtime routines and positive sleep associations, check out Dr. Jodi Mindell's book, Sleeping Through the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night's Sleep.
2. Advocates sticking firmly to routine and letting your child cry at bedtime for extended intervals of time before you provide her with comfort, read Dr. Richard Ferber's book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems.
3. Focuses on training your baby to go to sleep and comfort himself on his own by keeping nighttime feedings short, waking him if his daycare naps last more than a few hours and using your voice or a gentle pat to comfort him when he cries, try the American Academy of Pediatrics' book, Guide to Your Child's Sleep.
4. Promotes the family bed and other ways of being there for your child to provide a comforting, relaxing sleep environment, look at Dr. William Sears' book, Nighttime Parenting. 
5. Emphasize the prevention of sleep problems and teaches healthy sleep habits by synchronizing soothing techniques with your child's natural rhythms, read Dr. Marc Weissbluth's book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

AND REMEMBER, whichever approach you choose, be consistent.

• Recent studies suggest that behavioral problems in children 2-3 years of age may occur if they sleep less than 11 hours at night. Children this age should sleep up to 13 hours at night. 
• Lack of sleep can cause behavioral problems such as acting out, behaving aggressively and hyperactivity. Conversely, children's behavioral problems have been said to contribute to a lack of sleep in children. 
• Different children need various amounts of sleep. If a child does not look well rested, he probably needs more sleep. 
• Waking up at night, a problem that occurs in 33% of children 2-4 years old, can also cause behavioral problems. 
• Researchers believe that regular amounts of sleep deprivation may have long-term effects on brain function. 
• Studies on rats show that sleep is necessary for survival, demonstrating that life expectancy decreases with sleep deprivation. 

You can help your child learn and be happier just by following these five simple guidelines.

Understand and respond to your baby's needs.

You can't "spoil" an infant, so go to her when she fusses or cries. By responding to your baby's cues, you teach her that you care about her needs and that she can trust you. Ignoring a baby's needs can do harm by causing stress levels to rise. You may not always understand your baby's cues, but be patient. This is a learning process for both you and your baby. If she likes what you are doing, you know you are getting it right. 

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. 

Becoming a parent can be overwhelming and exhausting. Unless you take care of yourself, you will have a hard time taking good care of your child. For this reason, it is important to have support from friends, family or community organizations. Do not be afraid to ask for help caring for your child. 

Talk, sing, and read to your child.

Let your child hear your voice as much as possible. The young brain is especially interested in sound. You can form a deep emotional connection between you and your child by simply sharing the sound of your voice. Sounds are also important to your child because are the building blocks of speech and language. 

Create a predictable world for your child. 

Providing routines and expected responses fives your child a sense that the world is a trustworthy place. It also teaches him that he can depend on you. If your child understands this, he will spend less energy fussing over his needs and more time learning. Routines can include basic activities  like feeding and bathing. 

Provide a warm and loving environment. 

Helping your child feel safe and secure is the key to encouraging growth and development. A child who feels loved will have an easier time learning about the world around her. Therefore, make sure you interact with your child, providing love and affection.

For many, meals are a time when the whole family comes together. Learn how your mealtime discussions can help the development of your child, and ways that meals foster learning.

Connect

Studies show that meals are one of the most important times to be together as a family. 

Catherine Snow and her colleagues at Harvard University conducted research on literacy development by taping what happens at family meals. They found that the families who interacted with each other at meal times were more likely to have children with better literacy skills in the school-age years. Family mealtime interaction took place when caregivers extended children's interests, which helped children use language to analyze, sequence, and predict while helping children appreciate the joy of language.

Watch and listen

Do your children listen to what you and others say? Do they have opportunities to talk, listen, and take turns? Do they look forward to telling you about their day? What sounds and words do they try to say? What are they trying to communicate?

Extend

With your baby

• Give your baby ordinary kitchen objects, such as plastic cups or wooden spoons, to play with while you are fixing a meal. 
• Name the foods you are eating and talk about foods your baby loves to eat. 

With you toddler

• Let your young child help make the meal - let him or her tear the lettuce for a salad, stir the spaghetti sauce or put napkins on the table.
• Ask your toddler to name to foods you are preparing or to fix a pretend meal for his or her toy animal or doll while you fix dinner for your family. 

For your preschooler

• Ask your child to tell you a story about his or her day to or tell him or her a story about yours during mealtime.
• Create family traditions at meal times, such as a song that you always sing or a game like "I Spy" that you always play.

Errands can equal education. Your everyday outing or errand - even if it's just to the market - can be a chance to connect with your child and to encourage his or her early learning.

Connect

Going to the market is obviously a chore, especially at the end of a busy day. But markets also offer many opportunities for learning that can make the time there less trying.

Watch and listen

Make sure that your child is not too hungry when you go to the market. Either take a snack or let your child pick and acceptable snack to eat. Then you and your child can focus on other things. Notice what your child is interested in to help make marketing a fun learning time together.

"There are so many ways that parents and caregivers can encourage language in young children and it's not through flash cards. It's through conversation, it's through questioning. The important thing is to invest words with meaning and once you do...those words live on forever."

-Kathryn A Hirsh-Pasek, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Director, Infant Language Laboratory, Temple University

Extend

For your baby

• The market is like a collage in motion - there is so much going on. Talk about the things you see as you shop.

For your baby

• Talk to your child in advance about a special thing that she or he can buy at the market. Then look for it, like a treasure hunt. This helps your child learn to be a good observer. 
• Ask your toddler about the shapes and colors he or she sees. Or, ask your toddler to name things that are up high or down low.
• Give your toddler a cracker or piece of apple. Then point out the crackers and/or apples in the store. 

For you preschooler

• Take the adventure of looking for items you are going to purchase a step further. Cut out a picture of an item you are going to purchase and have your child match the picture with the real item on the store's shelf.
• If there is conflict over what you are buying, set rules. For example: we will buy an item, but sugar can't be one of the first four ingredients. Or it can't have too many preservatives in the food. Have your child look at labels with you to see if this is something you can buy. All of these games can build pre-reading and thinking skills. 

Help your child wind down at the end of the day, and discover ways to make bedtime less stressful and more calming for all involved. 

Connect

Bedtime is time to wind down. Creating a schedule that your child comes to expect makes the transition from an active day to a quiet time easier. 

Many parents create "a special time" to be together at bedtime. Sometimes they read or tell stories. Other times, they let the child select what she or he wants to do. 

Watch and listen

What helps your child get ready for bed in the most peaceful way, and what stirs up your child? Emphasize the calming activities and turn them into family traditions. 

Extend

For you baby

• Create a consistent bedtime schedule that your child can count on. 
• Think of bedtime as a quiet time to be together rather than a scary time of separation. Your attitude will help build a more positive attitude in your child. 

For your toddler

• Create traditions: First we take a bath and brush our teeth, then we read a story, put on the nightlight, give a kiss and go to sleep. With practice, a consistent schedule will help children learn to go to sleep by themselves. 

For your preschooler

• Your preschooler can take a more active role in planning bedtime traditions and use special time for listening to stories, making up stories about his or her stuffed animals, or for talking about the day. 

Anytime

• Be curious about your own learning and about how your child learns. Parents and caregivers who are truly engaged and excited about learning are more likely to have children who do the same.

Have Fun! Children and adults learn best when they are connected to others, when they're learning about something they want or need to know, and when they're having fun. So don't make learning in everyday moments a chore, or something to strike off of your to-do list to give your child the best early start. Instead, make it something that you enjoy. The gift of joy in lifelong learning is a very important gift you can give your children. 

Riding public transit exposes your child to different people and new things. Use this time to heighten your child's sense of adventure. 

Connect

Traveling on public transportation, especially if its crowed, can feel overwhelming to a young child, but it can also be an adventure. Encourage your child focus on travel as an adventure. 

Watch and listen

How does your child react to the bus or subway? Help put words to your child's feelings, which will help your child feel known and understood. Notice how your child reacts to other people, sounds, sights, escalators, doors opening and closing or other things you see, feel and hear. 

"Stress happens when there is a challenge that matters to you and you don't have the resources to manage it, with a secure relationship you have your resources ."

Megan R. Gunnar, PhD, Distinguished McKnight University Professor, Institute of Child Development, University of Minnesota

Extend

For your baby

Follow your baby's gaze while you travel and say aloud what you think he or she may be focusing on: "See the baby across from us" or "It is very noisy on the bus."

For your toddler

Imagine what your child is feeling and try to see the experience through his or her eyes. Is she or he feeling overwhelmed or excited? Let your child help you by putting the fare in the fare box, asking the driver for a transfer or signaling the driver to stop. This helps develop a sense of confidence and mastery.

For your preschooler

• Talk with your child about the last time you went on the bus or subway or what interests him or her about where you are going and what you will do when you get there. This will give your child a greater sense of control over his or her experiences and will help build memory and planning skills.
• Make up special games on a bus or subway, such as counting the stops until you arrive. This helps children understand where they are going, and creates special fun routines or traditions that are always remembered, making the world feel predictable and safe. 

Taking your child on a walk is not only good exercise, but also allows him or her to experience nature and learn about the outdoors.

Connect

Taking a walk is a wonderful physical activity for you and your child, plus it can also be special time together. Focus on the present moment and being with your child, not on all of the things you have to do when you get back.

Watch and listen

Look at the walk through your child's eyes. How might a bug or a big crack in the sidewalk look to your child? What sounds do cars or birds make? Is the sun shining? Is it cloudy, warm or cold?

"Young children, like little scientists, have a hypothesis to begin with, but then they go out and make predictions and even do mini-experiments...and the experiments cause the children to change their minds - their hypothesis."

Andrew N. Meltzoff, Phd, Job and Gertrud Tamaki Endowed Chair, Professor of Psychology, Co-Director, Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences, University of Washington

Extend

For your baby

• Name things that your baby looks at or is interested in - from street and business signs, to animals, flowers, bugs, cars, trucks, people or other sights.
• Take time to let your baby watch things until his or her interest shifts. Notice how intently your baby studies things. 

For your toddler

• If your toddler likes to run and jump and practice moving around, make games of doing this.
• Help your child learn to be safe by stopping at corners and driveways and showing him or her how to look both ways for cars.

For you preschooler

• Ask questions about what you see on your walk that seems to interest your child. These questions can include the past, present, and future. For example, if you and your preschooler see a dog, ask if he or she remembers seeing that dog before, what the dog is doing, or what they think the dog might do if the dog were bigger or smaller, or faster or slower.
• Make up rhymes or sing marches as you walk. Try walking and singing or chanting fast, then slow.